


psychos tie the knot

by anon_chan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Weddings, chrollo has a serious allergy, i rewrote this thing, killua hates it here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:47:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22854001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anon_chan/pseuds/anon_chan
Summary: They couldn’t believe what they have received. It was an invitation from Hisoka and Illumi.It was their wedding.Killua’s jaw slackens with disbelief as he hands the envelope to Gon. Gon looks at him curiously and takes a good look at the letter. A smile creeps on his face when he glances at Killua.Killua knew very well what he was going to say.“We should attend!”a hisoillu wedding crackfic
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 399





	psychos tie the knot

**Author's Note:**

> this was posted a year ago, i deleted it and rewrote it lmao

Enclosed in the letter are two blurry pictures of Hisoka and Illumi. Alongside those pictures is a cursive print of ‘You are Invited!’. There were mini silver hearts decorating the edges of the letter. It even faintly smelled of sweet perfume.

Killua wanted to vomit.

He wanted to erase the mental image of the letter in his mind. However, for some reason, it kept appearing more in his head. Although that wasn’t the worst case scenario, he knew that it was near there.

Gon dragging him to the wedding is the worst case scenario—which is happening now in the beach.

Killua hopes that the ominous feeling he has would just fade away. His stomach feels off and his palms are both drenched in sweat. After a good thirty minutes, he knows that it will stay there.

Beside him, Gon is sitting casually. His hands are placed against his chair as he swings his legs back and forth. He has a faint smile on his mouth—as if the _things_ that will occur later on will be _pleasant_.

Killua frowns and looks at Gon. “Are you really serious about this?”

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” he chirps.

Killua huffs and crosses his arms. “It’s just—_ugh,_ why do I even have to explain?”

“Come on tell me!”

“It’s _Illumi_ and _Hisoka_ for god’s sake,” Killua sighs, “they’re pretty dysfunctional if you get what I mean.”

Gon blinks and shakes his head, disagreeing. “No Killua, they’re not dysfunctional if they’re both happy about getting married!”

Killua groans and rubs his forehead exasperatedly. “You’re missing the point here.”

He further shakes his head and points a finger to Killua. “But they seem happy about this, if there’s anyone missing the point it’s—”

“—It’s _you,_” Killua drawls and jabs a finger on Gon’s forehead.

Gon frowns and furrows his brows. “No, it’s Killua!”

Killua shakes his head. “I’m the right one here. Just listen to me honestly, you won’t regret the decision.”

Gon disagrees. “But—”

Killua presses a finger on Gon’s forehead. “No buts. I’m the right one here.”

Gon opens his mouth to speak but Killua shushes him.

“Trust me, really, I don’t know what they’re playing at but we’ll find out later.”

He stares at the flower arch on the mini stage in front of them in boredom. Then, he slowly realizes that both of them are the only people in the place.

He suspiciously looks at the area—what if Illumi and Hisoka invited them just to do something funny with them? Perhaps his ominous gut feeling was right all along.

Then, he hears a sound from the entrance of the tent. Besides the waves of the ocean and the squawking of birds, there were footsteps. Killua looks back.

He sees Goreinu.

He scowls—what the heck was he doing here?

Goreinu barely had any interactions with Illumi and Hisoka. For all he knew, he was just a side character.

Goreinu sits on the back part of the seat aisle and gives Killua a little wave.

Gon sees him and waves back, forgetting about their argument earlier. “Goreinu! Nice to see you here!”

Killua watches Goreinu suspiciously, expecting the cat to be pulled out of the bag. Something has to happen—there must be a catch.

First the odd guest choice, now what?

Killua sees a couple of people trudging slowly towards the entrance marked by a rose arch. They weren’t ordinary people, they had shining, gleaming pins punctured on their bodies, on their heads, or on their backsides.

Needlemen.

He looks at them with wide eyes—those were civilians; he guesses as he observes their beach attires.

  
He knew why Illumi did this.

“Illumi was really desperate for guests huh,” the ends of his lips turn up mockingly.

This was the reason why they invited a random side character, Goreinu, in the wedding. They were short on guests. They didn’t have anyone else to invite besides the people they haven’t killed yet.

Gon looks at the needlemen in disbelief. “Illumi did this?”

Killua rolls his eyes. “Well, who else?”

The needlemen drag themselves to their assigned seats at the back part of the wedding venue. Approximately 20 needlemen were present in the wedding. Killua wonders when the nen would wear off—knowing Illumi, he most likely made it so that the nen would last until the end of the wedding.

Killua places his head against his chair. He leans back and sighs—waiting was tiring.

But when he hears another set of footsteps by the gate, he turns back and freezes.

It was the other Zoldycks.

Killua snaps his head in front and lowers his body on his seat.

He tugs on Gon’s shirt. “Gon—quick! Hide me!”

Gon glares at the Zoldycks. “It’s them.”

“_Right,_ now hide me!”

Although Killua knew that they both hated his family’s guts, he knew that they couldn’t afford to be seen—not after the shit that happened months ago when he and Alluka left.

“Lower your head—Ah! I mean just crouch below where they won’t see you!” Gon wavers his hands around as he tries to cover Killua from the Zoldyck’s view.

Killua sighs—he knew that this was pointless, he’d already been spotted minutes before.

The Zoldycks enter with the air thick before them. Even Goreinu kept shivering with their glares. Although they were sort of intimidating, Killua merely rolls his eyes and sends them a look with his tongue out underneath the seats.

In a few seconds he feels all the fear wash away like a wave. Why did he even act all scared in the first place?

Gon notices that his hair was poking out the seats. “Killua lower your head they might see!”

“I’ve lost the ability to care anymore,” Killua drawls, “let them hate for all I care.”

“So does that mean you can sit up now?”

“Apparently, yes.”

Killua sits up and brushes his shorts. “That wasn’t really necessary of me to do so, but I did it anyways and that was stupid.”

Gon looks at him and tilts his head with a tiny smile.

Killua scowls. “What.”

“You just admitted that Killua is stupid.”

“So what?”

Gon laughs. “I think that it’s funny.”

Killua scoffs. “_Really_—your humor, honestly.”

When they hear sobbing, both their heads turn to see Kikyo crying on her seat by the front row. Silva was trying his best to console her. His words were unheard when Kikyo wails even louder this time. Killua holds back a snort.

Gon looks at Killua and starts to ask him. “Why is she sad? Isn’t she supposed to be happy?”

Killua sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “She wants Hisoka dead. Kikyo doesn’t approve of him.”

Gon frowns and inches nearer. “But isn’t the family supposed to be supportive and give their blessing to Illumi?”

“You must’ve forgotten which family you’re talking about.”

Gon frowns again but doesn’t reply this time. Killua understands this, his family was the epitome of dysfunctional and it was hard to pin point what they really were and what their intentions were.

“Killua! Gon!”

Both their heads turn to see Leorio by the entrance, wearing an extravagant suit by the way, and he was also carrying the same bag he carried during the hunter exam.

His bright expression was replaced by a sour look when he sees the Zoldycks in front.

“Leorio! Nice to see you again, I missed you!” Gon exclaims as a grin crawled on his mouth.

Leorio smiles softly. “Missed you too, Gon!”

When he turns to Killua, Leorio scoffs as he takes his seat. “What the hell are they doing here?”

Killua shrugs. “It’s their son’s wedding, I mean, who wouldn’t attend?”

“I wouldn’t attend if you were wondering by the way,” Killua adds.

Leorio still has the sour look on his face. “I don’t like them.”

“Who doesn’t?”

Gon starts to ask Leorio with the grin still on his face. “How are you Leorio?”

They chat for a moment about their short journeys and their little bouts of luck here and there. Apparently, Leorio won the lotto a few months back. Killua couldn’t believe that the man had so much luck to actually win one. Also, according to Leorio, Kurapika was invited, however, he was too busy collecting his comrades’ eyes.

“Plus I think that troupe will be here,” Killua mutters, half uncertain.

He couldn’t imagine the chaos that would ensue when Kurapika and the troupe would meet face first in the wedding.

Gon agrees. “Hisoka and Illumi are both from the troupe, I think that they might come too.”

“Why are the people here those that want to kill us?” Leorio asks with scowl.

“Dunno either,” Killua shrugs, “maybe they have something funny planned up their sleeves. We have to wait.”

They were right.

Chrollo marches on the red wedding carpet forward to the stage. The rest of the troupe, namely, Machi, Pakunoda, Shizuku, and Bonolenov, sit exactly behind them.

Leorio groans. “This is so chaotic, I swear.”

Killua sighs. “Couldn’t agree more.”

As Chrollo stands by the podium, flipping through what seemed like a bible, more guests fill in the place. Killua could see Bisky, Ikalgo, Zepile, and the one random chubby kid from the hunter exam carrying his laptop with him.

Killua couldn’t understand why Hisoka and Illumi invited people they didn’t even meet like at all. How did they even know in the first place? God, they were so desperate to have more guests it was becoming annoying.

When he looks in front, Chrollo was suddenly having a sneezing fit. He couldn’t stop sneezing that Killua had to hold back his laughs. The three of them had to hold back their laughs actually. When he checks the source of Chrollo’s sneezing—Killua chokes back a giggle.

Chrollo Lucilfer is allergic to roses.

“_Oh my god_,” Leorio cracks into laughs, “he’s—he’s allergic _to roses_.”

They stopped laughing when the ¼ of the troupe behind them shushed them with their glares. They gulped nervously.

“Stop making fun of boss,” Machi says coldly, “his allergy is lethal. Not a laughing matter.”

Leorio whispers. “More lethal much beneficial for us and Kurapika.”

Killua snorts. “Tell Kurapika to bring roses and give it to Chrollo next time.”

Leorio looks at him as though he said something weird.

“What? Just saying facts.”

“You’re too young to understand,” Leorio sighs.

Gon furrows his brows. “I don’t get it.”

Killua shrugs. “Niether do I.”

Leorio groans exasperatedly. “This is why I don’t like talking to children sometimes.”

Killua scoffs. “This is why I don’t like talking to adults sometimes.”

Gon smiles at their antics.

Chrollo doesn’t stop sneezing for like minutes already. Leorio even looks concerned. Killua snorts—sympathizing with the enemy, _honestly_.

“Concerned much, old man?”

“Not in a million years,” Leorio says as he crosses his arms and huffs.

Killua rolls his eyes. “You can just say that you’re concerned y’know. You’re a doctor after all.”

Leorio glares at him. “Why would I be concerned over _him?_ He _killed_ my friend’s family for god’s sake and I hate his guts so much after what he—”

Killua cuts him off. “—Yeah, yeah, now stop talking worry wart.”

“They’re here,” Gon mutters with a tiny smile on his face.

Killua throws his head back and groans. He didn’t bother look back where the bride was. Hisoka seemingly appeared out of nowhere and was already in front of them. He smiles weirdly at Gon, who actually smiled back (Killua stifles a sigh) and smiles at Killua this time. Killua glares at him and rolls his eyes.

“Congratulations Hisoka!” Gon raises his fist in the air—Killua grimaces.

Hisoka grins. “Well, thank you, _Gon.”_

Oh my fucking god, Killua couldn’t take this anymore.

“It was nice seeing you guys,” Killua stands up, “I’ll take my leave now.”

He seriously starts to walk away when Gon dragged him back with a frown.

“Gon! Let go—I have to leave his god forsaken place—_hmp!”_

Gon looks at him with a disappointed look. “Killua! Come on, you should be respectful—”

“—I don’t care! I wanna leave!”

Leorio shushes them. “You two! We’re gathering all attention here _oh my goodness.”_

He decides that it was a hopeless case and sighs as he tries his best to ignore the two. Unsuccessfully.

Kikyo was wailing loudly this time—her shrill cries were booming like a speaker. Killua got wrestled by Gon on the ground as he dragged the other back to the seats. Illumi was wearing his usual attire and was waiting at the entrance part of the wedding. Leorio was shushing Killua and Gon, clearly stressed by all the events and the oh-so terrible crying.

Kalluto was the flower girl—er, _boy_.

As Illumi walked down the aisle with Silva by his side, Kikyo’s wails erupted from the front row making her cries the wedding music instead. Illumi was actually carrying a bouquet of roses.

Killua was grudgingly silent after his mini fiasco with Gon. Leorio was itching to go in front to quiet down Chrollo with his coughs and sneezes.

Illumi finally reaches the mini stage in front. Killua cringes at the sight. Then, Silva leaves Illumi with Hisoka on the stage.

Kikyo screeches as she points a menacing finger to Hisoka. “MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT BUFFON! I KNOW MANY BETTER SUITORS THAN THAT _CLOWN!” _

Killua struggles to hold back his giggles when Kikyo screamed. Gon gives him a look. Leorio sighs when Chrollo sneezes again.

Chrollo ignores Kikyo when he starts speaking. “Please be seated.”

The audience shuffles to take their seats, but it wasn’t quiet, like at all, Kikyo was still crying.

“Thank you for coming whether you are invited or not.”

_Oops,_ a few people cough at the back. Killua raises his brow—so there were uninvited people?

“You are all here because you represent something important to the lives of Hisoka Morrow and Illumi Zoldyck.”

A flying seabird suddenly landed on the tiny arch on the stage, causing a few flowers to drop and land on Chrollo’s head. The man instantaneously coughs and sneezes as he ruffles his hair to remove the flower petals that landed there.

“Excuse me—I’m allergic to pollen.”

Killua smirked lightly. After Chrollo composed himself with a red nose, he starts speaking again.

“This single event is a very important one, a bonding of two souls that deeply care for each other. I along with all of you feel privileged enough to be here. I know how these people both love each other and now; we bear witness to their commitment to a lifetime of love for each other.”

Chrollo pauses. “I believe in the saying of Dr. Suess that _‘you know when you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams’_ and this is what we beat testimony today.”

“Isn’t that a line from a children’s book?” Gon asks Killua sheepishly.

Killua shrugs, he didn’t know children’s books. He only remembered that he trained to death when he was young.

Hisoka takes a step forward. “Enough of the formalities. Let’s skip to the story of how we first met.”

Chrollo doesn’t even speak after sneezing so much, he merely nods and turns back.

“Illumi and I met when I joined the troupe two years ago. It was definitely love at first sight. I wanted to fight Illumi and taste his blood rushing on my fingers,” Hisoka cooed and looks at his fingers as he licks his lips.

Kikyo began to stir and sobbed much louder than ever.

Hisoka spoke again. “We kissed during our first fight—_something_ happened after that.”

Killua swore—Leorio covered Gon’s ears.

“I do believe that it is my turn to speak,” Illumi spoke monotonously.

Hisoka smiles. “Of course you may, _Illumi.”_

“I wanted to kill Hisoka back then,” Illumi said, “until now actually.”

“THEN KILL HIM NOW!” Kikyo screams.

Silva couldn’t do anything but sigh. Leorio removes his hands from Gon’s ears. Killua chuckles and covers his mouth.

“But that changed, I don’t want to kill him anymore.”

The audience was confused. Killua tilts his head and furrows his brows.

“That’s all. Any more information about our relationship will cost a million Jenny, please inquire and I’ll schedule a meeting for transaction.”

Killua rolls his eyes—typical Illumi.

“Now the exchange of vows will—”

Hisoka interrupts Chrollo. “—I’ll stay by your side as long as you are worthy of my grace.”

“I’ll stay by your side as long as you are worthy of my grace as well,” Illumi echoed.

Killua doesn’t hold back his laugh—what a shitty vow.

After exchanging their vows, they swap rings.

“You are now forever bonded by god’s eternal grace and therefore I conclude this ceremony a success—go on and love each other _achoo! _you may now _achoo! _kiss the—”

Leorio covers Killua and Gon’s eyes.

“For once, thank you old man,” Killua sighs with relief.

They heard sucking noises from the stage. Killua cringes in disgust—what the fuck.

Leorio starts protesting. “Oi! That’s enough” Hold it in until tonight!”

Kikyo’s sobs were louder at the reception. Along with her sobbing was a needleman playing an off-key version of Canon in D.

The only people in the dance floor are Goreinu and Bisky. Killua wrinkles his nose and avoids the woman’s visage.

He goes to the tiny table where the food was laid and gets a cup of orange juice since he wasn’t allowed to drink wine yet unlike the drunk Leorio dancing to some needleman in the corner. Gon was dancing too.

Chrollo was sitting by the sea rocks, writing some emo poetry. The troupe seemed to have fun as they ate the rest of the food in the banquet table.

Killua couldn’t comprehend today’s events—Illumi and Hisoka just got married and they even look _happy_ about it. Kikyo was lecturing them in a corner with Hisoka looking the most docile he’s ever seen. Perhaps they were actually serious about this, Killus shrugs, he didn’t know.

After a while, Illumi climbed the podium to announce something.

“We’ll be having a bouquet toss, the prize would be the bouquet and marriage,” Illumi said as he raised the bouquet.

The needlemen stared at him with their big bug eyes. They’d chase after the bouquet then—like, they follow every word Illumi says after all.

Illumi offhandedly tossed the bouquet.

The needlemen went berserk after the flowers.

Unsuprisingly, Gon was chasing after the flowers too. Killua doesn’t see him though, he was too preoccupied with the chocolate fountain.

When the horde of needlemen chase after Gon through the wedding reception as he finally catches the bouquet—he tosses it to Killua.

“Killua—_catch!”_

Killua jerks his hand instinctively towards the source of Gon’s voice. His hand catches something. When he looks at it—it was a bouquet of flowers. Killua drops his marshmallows.

“What.”

Kikyo screams. “NOT AGAIN!”

**Author's Note:**

> i had a serious allergy while writing this i guess chrollo was inspired from my allergy  
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